Gathering with the others at the starting line, I could feel the energy found in community pulsating through me. Excitement ran high as experienced athletes, casual runners, and couch–to–5K newbies milled together awaiting the sound of the starter’s pistol. Twenty–five minutes in, however, my enthusiasm had taken a sharp downward turn,. I wondered at the merits of intentionally giving up a Saturday morning to run from one point to another.

My sister and I, both non–runners, had befriended two very athletic women at church. Hearing about about an upcoming 5K from one of them, my sister decided that running together would be a great bonding experience. Convinced by our friends’ encouragement, we paid our entry fees and showed up.

Now, as I lagged in the latter group of participants, the thoughts in my head were louder than my best intentions. Running, jogging, and eventually walking, I anticipated the end each time I turned down a new stretch of the route. Fortunately, the volunteers passing out water along the way reminded me that I had not been completely abandoned to my own folly.

What I experienced at the finish line, however, marked my heart in a way I hope I never forget. Nearing the three–mile mark, I was surprised to see one of our friends watching for us. I knew she had probably finished her race at least twenty minutes earlier, so I couldn’t understand why she was still on the race path. My confusion grew as she left the side and began jogging across the center of the path toward me. You’ve got this. You’re doing great. You’re almost there. Keeping me focused with her words of encouragement, she ran alongside me the last bit of distance, adeptly veering off as I entered the exit chute. Having already finished her race and marked her time, she came back looking for those who needed her experience, her words of wisdom and her presence.

We are not called to run the race alone, not in life and not with our marriages.

Undoubtedly, while no level of support can fix what two marriage partners are unwilling to undertake, we need appropriate encouragement from those living in connection with us. This need for a community of encouragement is a timeless one. Written to members of the early church throughout Roman occupied territory. Hebrews was primarily a letter reminding Christians in that day to remain steadfast in the work of Christ for salvation. Underscoring our trust in a God we cannot see for a reality we do not yet hold in our hands, the principles of this book have a cross–application to our relational wholeness, including our marriages.

Hebrews 10:23 anchors our belief in God as our answer by reminding us, to “hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise.” Verse 24 continues, “Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.” If the promises of Christ are to become real in our lives, he must be our primary source for the decisions we make. But neither our personal transformation, nor the healing of our marriages, happens in isolation from those around us. We need others speaking into our lives in a way that honors Christ’s work in and through us.

Being in the light of transparency isn’t easy, and there are times when we question whether exposure is worth the risk. We hear the insidious whispers of the enemy of our soul, and we believe ourselves to be safer in the shadows. Fearing others’ disappointment, vulnerability, or even accountability, we tighten our masks to keep an image of togetherness intact. We don’t want people to know our marriage is damaged, struggling, or downright broken.

But fear is a terrible counselor, and isolation is a taskmaster. Proverbs 18:1 states it this way: “He who separates himself seeks [his own] desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom” (nasb). The root of our desire for privacy is most often watered by the unseen springs of pride. Once our weaknesses become unveiled, we lose a measure of control—of who knows our stories, what others believe about us, and how others respond. We don’t want to appear insufficient, weak, or needy. We hide the truth to keep others from having leverage over us. We won’t find healing, though, for what we are unwilling to expose to the light and fresh air.

When the marriage partnership becomes stressful, we are tempted toward two extremities: tell no one or tell everyone. If we’re not busy hiding our problems, we might find ourselves with a different challenge. It’s hard to keep our frustrations quiet, especially when we feel helpless, alone, or unjustly treated.

We need other people on our team, but discretion guides our words, both in the level of disclosure and their timing (Proverbs 5:1–2). Unproductive venting about our spouse or a lack of appropriate boundaries when sharing with others ultimately undermines our ability to create a strong marriage relationship. An athlete training to go the distance doesn’t allow spectators the privileged access of becoming coach. Everyone has an opinion, but not every opinion is valid.

Additionally, each person on our team does not occupy the same space, and each person does not have the same level of access. Some will be spectators, some supporters, and other trainers, and even within that body of trainers, individuals will have varying strengths to offer. Part of seeking others’ insight means being able to identify the appropriate place and role for each team member. For example, if we choose to counsel with someone partial to us, that person’s insight may be unintentionally skewed. We determine someone’s level of influence by considering

    1. Where and how our relationship with that individual first formed.

    2. The person’s trustworthiness.

    3. The individual’s proximity to the marriage relationship (emotionally, physically or otherwise).

There may be no more complicated place to navigate than family relationships when it comes to how much to share about the struggles we are having with our spouse. Immediate (and often extended) family lives our marriage story with us. We might do well keeping details under wraps but even when we think we have our problems well–hidden, those closest to us can feel the vibrations of discord. That being said, not every family member should be an intimate member of our team.

Some will speak words of encouragement or provide emotional support through their love. But the individual who has the greatest access to speak into our marriage will not only love and encourage but will press into the problematic, awkward, and painful places. If we are going to train well, then we must choose coaches willing to speak the difficult words we need to hear, those willing to provide not only accountability but confrontation when required. These coaches will also know and exercise appropriate boundaries in how they respond to the healing process between the two marriage partners. We need a team of more than two, but only the two—husband and wife—are called to become one.

We will be hard–pressed to form a strength–to–strength marriage if the counselors we choose don’t share the same goals. Being intentional about those you add to your team doesn’t mean looking for perfection, but we need those around us who will challenge us to run the right race. We need a team willing to get dirty with us in the trenches of restoration, ones who will declare over us, “[W]e keep on praying for you, asking our God to enable you to live a life worthy of his call. May he give you the power to accomplish all the good things your faith prompts you to do. Then the name of our Lord Jesus will be honored because of the way you live, and you will be honored along with him. This is all made possible because of the grace of our God and Lord, Jesus Christ” (2 Thessalonians 1:11–12).

Chapter Questions

1. We might readily see the limitations secular resources have to offer us when it comes to advice for our marriage. However, just because someone claims the name of Christ doesn’t mean that individual has pure intentions at heart in the counsel they have to offer. How can Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 4:14–17 and Galatians 4:17–19 help discern where and when to seek the advice others have to offer?

2. Which are you more apt to do: not let people see the weaknesses in your marriage or talk too much about the problems you and your spouse are having? What kind of impact has this behavior had on your marriage in the past?

What individuals do you have in your life that you could identify as a support system for you and your spouse? Specifically, which individuals need to be kept only as distant supporters and which ones could function as effective coaches?