SETTLE FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO

God does not expect us to be passive in the presenceof conflict. He encourages the art of gracious disagreement. Like iron sharpening iron (Prov. 27:17), friends test one another’s ideas against the standard of the Word of God. When conflict arises, God has told us how to take initiative in cases of:

Irritations. Before trying to “judge” a speck in your brother’s eye, check your own eye for a “log” of pride or hypocrisy (Mt. 7:1–5).

Arguable Convictions. Discuss, accept, and respect people’s need to be true to their own faith in God. Let others give account of themselves to the One who will judge us all (Rom. 14:1–23).

Doctrinal Issues. Test everything by the standard of Scripture. Convene wise leaders to prayerfully resolve difficult issues. Avoid arguable issues and so-called brothers who, when confronted, deny sound doctrine (Acts 15:1–35; 2 Tim. 2:15–26).

Injury. If someone sins against you:

1. Go one to one to the person who has injured you. Don’t talk around to gain allies. Apply damage
control by trying to limit the knowledge of the problem. If that doesn’t work . . .

2. Take two or three witnesses with you to hear both sides of the issue and to increase the pressure on the other party.

If the person still doesn’t respond, and if your witnesses agree that you have been seriously wronged . . .

3. Tell it to the church. Make the offender be accountable to the spiritual family he claims as his own. When public disclosure is done in a loving yet firm way, it offers the hope of bringing a sinning person to his senses.

But if the pressure of the church brings no desire on his part to attempt to resolve the issue . . .

4. Treat the person as an unbeliever. This does not imply that we are to be mean-spirited, since Jesus taught us to love our enemies. Yet to be “for them” we must be “against them” in their sin. Both Jesus and Paul taught that we should formally disassociate with stubbornly unrepentant people (Mt. 18:15–17; 1 Cor. 5:11–13). These people must know that they are not in good standing with the church. The burden must be on them to show why they should be considered fellow members of Christ. It will help them to face their spiritual issues, and it gives us a way of resolving one-sided and lingering problems.

REMEMBER WHAT HAS BEEN DONE FOR YOU

The “Matthew 18 principle described on the previous page needs to be kept in perspective. Use it as a process when you are sinned against. But in the process, don’t forget who you are and what has been done for you.

Confrontational peacemaking requires a spirit of humility. There is never a basis for pride. All of us are, at best, forgiven sinners asking others to admit to the kind of sins for which we have already been forgiven. All of us have committed sins against God that are far more serious than any sins committed against us. Apart from God’s mercy and the inexpressibly wonderful rescue of Christ, all of us would spend eternity in a place of eternal darkness and irreversible loss.

This spirit of grateful humility is what our Lord had in mind when He instructed us to confront one another with issues of personal injury. After teaching about the importance of confronting a sinning believer with his fault, Jesus told a powerful story about forgiveness. It was a story about a man forgiven of millions of dollars’ worth of debt who then turned around and refused to forgive someone who owed him a very small amount of money.

In this story, debts were called in. (It helps no one to overlook honest obligations.) There were admissions of debt and appeals for mercy. But when the person who was forgiven much refused to show mercy to one who owed little, the unforgiving party found himself in worse trouble than he had ever been in before.

When faced with the emotion and confusion of conflict, there is no better place to look than to the cross of Christ. It is there in the anguish of our Savior that we see the reality of our own sins. It is there that we are also reminded that we have every reason to deal with the sins of others as God has graciously dealt with us. It is there at the cross that we are reminded to confront one another, not to get even but to get a chance to forgive.When faced with the emotion and confusion of conflict, there is no better place to look than to the cross of Christ. It is there in the anguish of our Savior that we see the reality of our own sins. It is there that we are also reminded that we have every reason to deal with the sins of others as God has graciously dealt with us. It is there at the cross that we are reminded to confront one another, not to get even but to get a chance to forgive.

PROTECT THE FAMILY NAME

By now it is apparent that the spirit and process of a biblical approach to conflict are quite different from natural tactics of:

• Avoiding—seeking peace at the expense of both truth and love.
• Attacking—seeking peace by intimidation, force, or violence.
• Appeasing—seeking peace by giving in to evil.
• Negotiating—seeking peace by working with mutual self-interests
• Litigating—seeking peace through the protection of the courts.

While we might see a time and place for each of these approaches to conflict, it is apparent that they do not reflect a biblical approach to solving arguments in the church. The Scriptures, for instance, make it clear that when the people of God use the legal system to resolve “family” issues they are not only admitting spiritual failure, but they are damaging the name and interests of God.

But it’s also true that when people are going through a divorce, a church split, or a bitter dispute, talking about the priority of God’s reputation and interests can sound hollow. People who are angry, hurt, and frightened about possible outcomes are apt to feel that there’s not much they can do at this point to protect the name of God. They feel that God can take care of His own interests.

Yet, there is no more compelling reason to work for peace and unity. Nothing is more important than learning to see God’s reputation and interests behind our own. When advising a young pastor about conflict, Paul wrote, “Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity” (2 Tim. 2:19).

Sometimes in the heat and distraction of an argument we forget the inherent link between our name and the name of Christ. Sometimes when we are angry we forget that deferring to God’s name and interests is always in our best interest. Sometimes when stumbling under the weight of wounded pride we forget how passionately our Lord prayed for our unity—not only so that the world might know that the Father sent Him, but also that the world might know that the Father loves us (Jn. 17:23).