Church hurt occurs when you’ve experienced a relational, theological, emotional, communal or spiritual injury in a church or ministry setting. It can involve leaders, pastors, laypeople, or friendships within the environment. Sometimes it involves spiritual abuse, but not always. Author Karen Roudkovski defines spiritual abuse as “a misuse of power in a spiritual context in which a person or group uses various coercive and manipulative methods of controlling the victim, resulting in the abused individual experiencing spiritual, emotional/psychological, physical, or relational harm.” Simply put, church hurt is the aftermath of something painful you experienced in a church or ministry context, which can range from a damaging interaction in a small group to a publicized scandal about a church leader.

Church hurt is no respecter of persons. It can happen to a lay leader, a paid staff member, or a weekly attendant. And chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve experienced a level of church hurt to some degree or another.

To give you a wide spectrum of examples so you can best identify the scope of church hurt, consider these common examples:

Coercive Control: “If you don’t perform in this ministry exactly the way I want you to, God will take away your ministry, and he won’t use you anymore. You’re really quitting on him.”

Relational Fallout: If (when) you leave an abusive environment, you immediately seem to drop off the radar with all the people with whom you were close: marginalized and ghosted. You lose your friends if you step away from the source of your pain.

Theological Differences: You find the smallest bits of secondary or tertiary doctrines (things good Christians have debated for centuries without resolution) hung over your head and pressuring you into conformity. And if you ask questions, you’re asked to leave.

Marginalizing: When those who speak out against a religiously toxic system are openly maligned, discredited, and gossiped about either within the group or publicly on social media.

Dismissal: “We don’t want you to minister here. We have others to fill your position. We don’t trust you to do a good job. Would you, instead, like to work in the parking lot or be a greeter at the back door?”

Insiders versus Outsiders: You discern a distinct category in the ministry or church. You are either “in” with the leadership or you are on the outside. The insiders know not to rock the boat. They gain glory and proximity by being close to the coveted leader.

Harsh Firing Practices: You or someone you know who has worked for the ministry or church has suddenly been fired (without warning) and perhaps even forced to sign an NDA, which silences you or them from ever speaking about your experiences.

Generational Clashes: Instead of the Body of Christ representing a wide spectrum of people (young, families, empty nesters, retirees), it favors one demographic to the exclusion of others. In that case, those who are struggling with a generational or demographical culture not their own are often dismissed or discarded—as if their presence doesn’t matter.

Numbers Game: Some churches are so enamored with constant, unsustainable growth that they fail to create strong foundations. They justify their empire building by pointing to numbers as proof of God’s activity on behalf of the enterprise. They can be blinded to the fact that the Kingdom of God is often upside down. (Big is small; little is much).

Immaturity: When churches grow wide, but not deep, you often have immature believers at the helm of ministries which can cause all sorts of church hurt. Their position is higher than the level of their maturity.

Leaders Building their Own Kingdom: When a leader abandons the calling to shepherd God’s people in lieu of growing a public platform beyond the walls of the church, many people are discarded, dismissed, and unseen.

These are some aspects of church hurt. But it’s important to delineate what church hurt is not.

Not every disagreement over minor issues—whether it’s the color of the carpet in the sanctuary or the timing of Jesus’s return—means church hurt. The hallmark of a mature Christ follower is that they can theologically disagree or address a problem with a ministry’s praxis without the conversation devasting them. Having a difficult conversation with charity and clarity is not church hurt. It’s actually church health. Church discipline can and has been performed following the script of Matthew 18; however, some have used that scriptural pattern to abuse and force reconciliation before it’s healthy or warranted. While church discipline can be problematic, if done correctly (which is rare, sadly) discipline for a verified violation of Scripture is not church hurt. As noted, that process can often turn contentious, and it must be pointed out that narcissistic leaders have twisted Matthew 18 to fit their own vendettas. Still, humble, meek correction of sin is biblical, not aberrational. James wrote, “My dear brothers and sisters, if someone among you wanders away from the truth and is brought back, you can be sure that whoever brings the sinner back from wandering will save that person from death and bring about the forgiveness of many sins” (James 5:19–20).

Similarly, experiencing the fallout from your own sin is not categorized as church hurt—it’s simply the law of sowing and reaping. Paul points out, “Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plan. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit” (Galatians 6:7–8).