Perhaps you’re reading this and church hurt has not been your experience. Or maybe you’ve walked through that pain and the reactions of those around you have been less than empathetic. There are best practices when it comes to loving someone who has walked through relational and institutional pain.

First, we can listen without prescribing a healing journey. To dignify another is to realize their healing pathway will be unique. What works for us may not work for them. As followers of a wildly creative God, we need to allow the Lord to be winsome in their lives. James counsels, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” (James 1:19). To listen is to love—it communicates that you’re more interested in understanding a person than judging them or telling them what you think they should do. Besides that, often the answer to the person’s angst lies within them. Consider this: “Though good advice lies deep within the heart, a person with understanding will draw it out” (Proverbs 20:5). Our task is to listen, hear the pain of our brokenhearted friend, and empower them to see their way through.

Second, we can simply mourn alongside our friend, entering their story. One of the most powerful things I encountered came from a man named Malcolm in South Africa. After he heard my story, he wept about it, saying very little. We fear what we should say in someone’s painful moment, but all we need to do is enter in and weep alongside them. You may feel unqualified for such empathy work, but Paul reminds us that God’s comfort, once received, can be conveyed. “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer” (2 Corinthians 1:4–6). This passage reminds us that we don’t have to experience the same kind or degree of hurt our friend has experienced—God comforts us in all pain, so that we can comfort specifically.

Third, it is helpful to take note of the injustice the other has experienced—and get angry. Once you’ve listened and empathized, it’s helpful to express your bewilderment. One of the things we noticed when we counseled people who had left unhealthy church situations is that they felt crazy. They’d uncovered abuse and neglect in their Christian system, but so few people had noticed it—in fact, many saw the opposite, since regular attenders seemed oblivious. So to say, “That must have been hard” or “That would make me angry” or “You are not crazy for thinking that way” dignifies the person who needs validation. God is a God of justice—and when injustice happens, we echo his ways. “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne. Unfailing love and truth walk before you as attendants,” the psalmist declares in Psalm 89:14. Even Jesus expressed anger at exploitation and religious pride.

Fourth, you can create a haven for someone to share their story. All the previous elements (listening, mourning, getting angry) must be in place for them to feel safe enough to share. Since they’ve been harmed in a toxic community, don’t be surprised if they are reticent to open up. You may need to be patient. There is a tendency in some of the more salacious situations to want to hear a story because it reads like gossip. Your task is not to gain information so you can be angry at a ministry—it’s to listen so much that you hear how that institution’s ways have deeply wounded your friend. You can do this by asking open ended questions, particularly how the person feels. Here are some examples:

• When that happened to you, and how did your body respond?
• What would you have liked to say in that situation now that you look back on it?
• What do you wish you knew back then that would’ve helped you navigate this hurt?
• What were some red flags you now see that you didn’t see at the time?
• How can you be kind to yourself as you work through this pain?

Fifth, you can pray with someone, but ask permission first. When people have experienced church hurt, sometimes the last thing they want is to have anything resembling the source of their pain reintroduced too soon. Some people do not want to be prayed for. For others, the sheer act of prayer is triggering because they may have experienced abuse in a prayer context. Always ask permission before praying, and don’t also touch the person unless you’ve been given permission.

Sixth, it’s important to refrain from judgment. In their raw state, they may say all sorts of things—even heretical words—because they are blinded and bound by pain. Now is not the time to quote Hebrews 10:25 about not neglecting meeting with other followers of Jesus. Nor is it wise or kind to say, “Yeah, maybe one or two people hurt you, but don’t blame the entire church for their actions.” Cliché, pat answers, and harsh judgment only push people away and delay their healing.